My Last Post
Friday, May 20, 2011 at 9:43AM So, apparently the world is going to end tomorrow, May 21st, 2011. Many have predicted it in years and centuries past, but I’m sure that this band of zealots has it right. In light of the imminent departure of the righteous for higher altitudes, your Minor Heretic would like to make a final offer.
I suppose it is too obvious to note that somebody with “Heretic” in his moniker is not only going to be left behind, but is undoubtedly hell bound. I’d like to offer any righteous types out there the opportunity of a millennium for satisfied laughter in the upper reaches of heaven.
Sure, you could just shog off to the sunny regions without another thought, but wouldn’t it be better to leave your mark, to add an extra twist to your ascension? I’m going to be down here wailing and gnashing my teeth, my tongue cleaving to the roof of my mouth in the approved fashion. Good enough, but think of the added fun, the multiplication of my despair and humiliation, if I was surrounded by a multitude of now-useless possessions?
The Minor Heretic would be glad to accept, from any righteous Christian, donations of cash, gold, silver, stocks, bonds, jewelry, cars, and real estate. I could also use a four-wheel-drive tractor with a backhoe, preferably a Kubota. Any high value items will do.
Who better to receive all your worldly goods than a self-professed heretic?
Think of the righteous enjoyment you’ll have at my expense. Think of the jokes you’ll swap with your brethren (and cistern?) at the right hand of God. “How’s that pile of cash working for bribing the demons, hmmm?” “Think that Mercedes can outrun SATAN??” You’ll be yukking it up all the more as the devil funnels molten gold (once your own) into my various bodily orifices.
So don’t delay. This offer ends tomorrow. What have you got to lose?
I mean, unless you don’t really believe.
Christianity, Damned unto hell, Heretic, Rapture in Uncategorized
Reader Comments (3)
Geez, Heretic, I wish I'd thought of that, but, then again, maybe I'm headed up, eh? I doubt it though, at least not tomorrow. But I can't help thinking: Won't we doubters be chagrined if 'they're' right? And I recall how my dad quieted a hot, after-Sunday-services argument regarding the existence of Heaven and Hell between this--then--college-sophomore-know-it-all and a determinedly heaven-bound mother. Dad waited for a lull in the debate, fixed me with his eyes in the rear view mirror and said, "All I've got to say about that, Donnie is those that know aren't telling." Shut me right the hell--heaven?--up.
Well, Don, the guy I admire is the one who has been offering post-rapture pet care. For $135 (how did he come up with that particular number?) he will arrange for your pets to be cared for by kindly atheists after you ascend. He has over a hundred takers. It's like printing money. Even if he was wrong, who would come after him for the $135? And would he care if they did?
There has to be another angle like this.
What an excellent post! :) I wish I had had the foresight to con a few "churches of the rapture" beforehand. Apparently, in the year 1000 turn of the millennium, people really did give their possessions away. ;)